Lost

Okay. two post in a month...it wont be so unusual if you know that my exams are in two weeks and by doing this..I can avoid the wrath of my lecture notes screaming at me "why cant you understand me already?". Had this moment the day other where i thought i lost my key to the flat. Frantically trying to find it for hours, I'd even traced my footsteps back to university from my house which is a 15 minute walk. My friends were like 'oh dont worry about it, you can just get a new one made for a few dollars. your landlord will handle it'. But the thing is, I don't think I was worried about the key as much as the object that was attached to it. Just a little some-some bought as a gift by a friend, in a time where i felt i was at bliss. It's not expensive or anything, it's those cheap plastic key chains sold as charity product in return for a donation. 
We were sitting in ikea eating/not eating the curry puff where a lady walked up to us and politely asked for a donation. He asked me to pick one and that was that. 

I found the key in the end of course. But it just made me wonder whether i'll worry as much if it were something like my phone or laptop that was missing. 

He's Old

He claims we're not dating but please, let's get real. We're freaking dating. Like every other time, i feel suffocated. I don't want to reply and encourage this consistent hopeful behaviour. It's never going to happen. I'm not getting into a relationship. I'm not. I'm not.

Yes, He is 5 years older. Yea sure, there is this huge difference of dating someone your age and someone older. Yea, he does take care of me more; spend more money on me; gives good advice; solves my problems with his extra 5 years of experience. But believe me when i say this...He can be a huge condescending conceited arrogant ass sometimes. Just because he is older! He treats me like a little child. Like an insignificant little person who cant take care of herself. Does THAT SOund like me??

Dont be mistaken, I LOVE being taken care of. But i want him to take care of me because he wants to. Not because he thinks i cant. bleh.

most expensive winter break i have ever had..and by far one of the best.

I guess it was the inner chinese in me knew : time was money ergo, not used time is equilavent to wasting money. We were always on a roll. Honestly, we ate our way through my trip in Melbourne but i kinda preferred it that way. Melbourne, i'll be back (:

pictures of the doinky lovable people~

xoxo
Sze

Shoes that books cant fill

Dear Blog,

It has been a while hasn't it old friend? I guess i've been spilling my guts out to actual real people that i forgot i had someone i could trust; someone that never judges me despite my bad choices. But they dont know everything like you do. Bits and pieces of the story cut out, perfectly designed to make it more entertaining or the more probable reason which is to hide my misdemeanor behavior.

I've just gotten back from the land down under. And sure enough, it was a trip to remember. Not because of the sight seeing that we did or the food that made me feel like i've been eating garbage for the last year in Dunedin, but because of the people, i would gladly pay another 600$ to fly down there again.

Of course, many interesting stories to tell you that would flood this blog page and definitely make up for the lack of updates, but we'll get to that in a bit. I dont know how to spin it in a way that would make it less...just less. But after i got back, i suddenly have this empty pit feeling. The trip has genuinely filled me with ...companionship for a week. Shoes that my books and my stressing moments cant fill. Despite the fact that i know the moment will pass, just like every other, right this second, i couldnt feel more alone. 

Warning signs are going off in my mind. This is usually the typical moment where i head out and meet random strangers that eventually would turn out to be...to put it in a nice way...gluteus maximus-es. And with Kendy and Dorothy's birthday around the corner, alcohol is definitely coming my way and making it more likely to happen. And since, it does two to tango, i am also at fault. I guess i do throw myself at them sometimes. I guess i just want something. Something to fill the 'moment'.

Unlike what people think, i am definitely not afraid of commitments, at least thats what my gut tells me. Its not that i don't want to submit to the population belief that it brings women happiness. I just know what i'm looking for...is that so bad? I've had experience the mythical cliche "spark" that most people search for or dream about and after that, i don't think i can settle for anything less. And even if it was all in my mind the whole time....i want it.

And LIKE what people say, things change. My friends are like they have always been: Quirky, dirty, funny and overall awesome. with an added bonus= some of them are no longer single. gasp* They have entered a new level. The high-stakes medal round where 77% of people break up or if they are lucky, though which i don't believe in luck, they might just end up living happily ever after. (note: its not real statistics, please don't quote)

I guess there should be a theme in all the ranting i've done in this page. There should... xp
i'll admit, the writing is a mess. Considering that any writing i've done in the last semester is in point-form and very technical, the closest it gets to feelings is when the lecturer mentions the limbic system in our brain.

Well..looks like a full of page of rant. My job here is done.
Till the next entry, cheers.

your sincerely,
sze

Path not taken

I feel that sometimes i've lost my way. Like i wasn't suppose to take this path i'm on and i think back to the time where i made that split second decision that caused me to end up here, right now, as the messed-up-caffeine-addict-nocturnal-lack-of-motivation me. What happened? I'm pretty sure sketching, dancing, choreographing, drawing, designing stuff for hours throughout high school does not lead to pharmacy. While i'm studying this course and doing ten times the workload of a Medicine and Surgery student, and having test every other week, it really makes you question whether the next 3 years is going to be worth it...cause right now...in my tired state...its not.

The papers i'm taking  does not interest me one bit. Its an 'okay-alright' situation but sometimes all that runs through my mind is 'so?'. The only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that i have the ability to do this course well..and that i will graduate with a professional degree that will somewhat secure my future. Not the satisfying rush you get when you complete a fine art or choreographing to the perfect song but i reckon i will feel the relief knowing that it's over..when it is over of course.

i will get through this...i will get through this...i will get through this...

I just feel that

Insecurity kills

I don’t know what to say sometimes. This is not a problem caused by the long distance. It has always been there and I feel…it will always be there. It’s not something one would find as a nuisance but to me, its like hitting a bruised spot. As the relationship goes on, it builds. His insecurity, lack of confidence, and his wanting me to be there constantly will be the end of it all.

I’ve just landed in a whole different country and doing my very best trying to move in and sort things out. I’m freaking sorry if I cant spare the time or I don’t feel like talking after a very  long day.  The part that bugs me most is that if he cant handle my absence for a mere 3 days, what level will his emotionally drained status be when he knows that I like my personal space. And after the things he said last night…I want it now, more than ever.

Never the victim, always the bad guy

Your words hit me hard and wrung me dry

Exhaust me till my mind goes blank

When will you realise you’ve always pulled rank.

...

deep breathe...run fingers through hair..clench-unclench fist.. repeat

Just watched an episode of House M.D, and guess what was it about? Cheating Spouses. Is it just me? or does everything I've experience from then on is somehow related to cheating. I feel sick. Hard to breathe..headache..fingers go numb. Always the same reaction and so, always the same response.
Deep breathe..run fingers through hair..clench unclench..

How is it possible that he is so happy with her? How is it possible that he could be around her 24/7 without the slightest guilt when i'm practically dying here. I feel like i'm suffocating. I feel tainted. I feel wronged. And most of all, i'm frustrated. Why am i being punished when i didnt know?
Its none of my business but i want Her to know. I want him to suffer...Does that make me a bad person? ....


After so long, i did it. Blocked, Unfriend and Deleted. Cause seeing his stuff popping up on my notifications page is giving me a migraine. My own personal addiction...wonder whether this is what taking drugs or smoking feels like? despite how much i want to talk to him, i shouldnt. I'm finally doing whats good for me...

Out of sight, out of mind right?...

deep breathe..run fingers through hair..clench unclench.

2012

Dear Bloggie,

Its finally coming to an end. My Glorious ‘Last-Year-As-a-Teenager-Leave-No-Regrets’ year is disappearing in less than 24 hours, something that was once claimed as the new beginning is now the final digits. ‘Think fast! Do something! Anything! Seize the moment!’ my subconscious yells. Truth is, although its always sad to lose something, I’m smiling on the inside knowing how much I’ve completed in a year and the things i have experienced. Things that some people could only dream to accomplished. Survived Ten months away from home, twas the longest, loneliest, and difficult time, yet it was the biggest achievement I believe I’ve done in the last 19 years. Studied my ass off with an above average score, I’ll be returning to Otago for the next three years as a second year pharmacy student. Hell to the yeah!! ;)

 And even though there was so much I rather do without this year like the arguments I had with some were entirely nonsense and the mistakes that I’ve made were like purple-pink unicorn farting rainbows –aka ridiculous. Heh I guess it really does feel like ‘whatever doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger’. Those mistakes may have left the biggest dent in my ego, and it opened many doors to self-doubt in the near future. But I want those faults to leave a mark. It only means I’ve tried and failed and also a self-reminder that i'll never make the same blunder again. Making me more...invincible perhaps? (:

and with that, i guess i just wanna say..Happy new year guys~ A new year for hopes, opportunities and the best part, mistakes. (:

With love,
Sze


“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. 
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.
So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect. Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.”
-Neil Gaiman (Author)




My 2012 year in 125 words: 
Loved - Got rejected - Flew to New Zealand - Felt it was like a holiday - Parents left - Realise it's definitely not a holiday - Orientation week - Toga party - Met Priya and Gang - Arana Oscars Award Night - Turn down a nice guy - Awkward Period - Study for Finals - Asian Failed - Winter break - Swore to do better - Took up an extra subject - Took UMAT paper - Study…HARDER - Arana Ball - Married the Univerity’s library - Finish exams - Found a new flat for next year - Met Him - Love - Went to St Claire beach - Club a lot - Drink a lot - Flew back to Malaysia - EAT - Hate him - Satisfied with my finals result - Got into pharmacy and physiotherapy - Pulau Langkawi trip with friends - Shop - Shop some more - Christmas with family - TDC Christmas party - Shop - TDC bbq party. 

Keeping Quiet

Being online is pretty depressing these days..i feel like i should be receiving more text messages..which is stupid cause i never received much when i was in Dunedin and being in KL have vastly increased those statistics. Who knew the short of one person would make such a difference..He's online and i'm staring at his name, all ready to make a conversation. All the things i would say to him..and yet he is the one person i should not be talking to. My friends know that; strangers know that; even I know that... But i cant help asking whether i should be talking to him..Although there is a million people saying no and no one is saying yes. I feel like it will only take one person to disagree to push me in the other direction.

I swear i'm never this emotional. But the mere fact of me knowing i Cant have him, makes me want him more. such a rebel..bleh. Have been channelling my newly found pumped up emotions into other people's lives. If you realise i'm meddling...this is the reason. Have also been going out a lot plus jogging sessions...cause Running is cheaper than therapy =/

So yep, trying to find a new activity so to speak. More DIYs coming your way i'm afraid  =x